Hi people! I's been a while since I wrote my last post!!

Well, now I have know very much to say, but something about my life...

For a long time, some kind of 5 years I think, I've been trying to hide myself what I really are - If you guessed I'm talking about my sexuallity you're damned right.  Yeah, if you ask me I feel really attracted to men - I've always done. But I've always felt attracted to women also.

I never though very much about it. In fact, I always hid it to myself telling me it was some kind of phase, or whatever. I've never fell in love with a woman, I wouldn't have allowed myself to that. In fact, all the times I fell in love it was kind of "I won't let my love die, whatever it happens" but in a weird and not very healthy way.

When I was 15, I had a classmate. She was a good girl (Too direct and honest, perhaps, but a good girl either way). We had some problems about politics at that time (I don't like politics and she loved talking about it). She said she was hetero but was all the time talking about lesbianism, or bi women, or whatever. We just though it was a subject she liked. Two years after, a friend told me she was bi (Someone told me she is gay, in fact) - I couldn't even believe it. And I felt kind of jealous she had come out (I didn't envy her, it was just a bit of jealousy).

The thing is, at that time, I hated everytime she said something about the subject because I didn't want to show that it was a subject that hurted me - a lot. I even remember being quite homophobic about lesbianism (Well, making some nasty comments about it - probably to convince myself).

Now I feel I can't hide it anymore to me - perhaps it will take a time to me to come out - I want to get used to it before doing so. I don't know what it will be like (I mean, what my friends and family will say at my being bi - probably that it is some nasty idea someone put into my head, and not what I really feel). Although almost all of them say they are not homophobic, I have listened to some nasty things they say about it - especially when it comes to female homosexuallity. Things about it being awfull. And those things hurted me all these times - altough never told them about it.

I feel afraid - and confused. Really confused. I don't know what to do next.

Love,

Marianne